CJ SAYS! Insane Sidestory
by Anime Despot
Summary: The Anime Club Laramie Chapter's mascot, Cowgirl Josephine, travels to Japan in search of duct tape but winds up fighting Sailor Moon and crew instead. Gods be! Who comes up with these ideas?
1. The Bitter Sweat Taste of Tears and Toas...

**Disclaimer (gwaa):**   
_Cowgirl Josephine is the happy-go-lucky mascot of the Anime Club Laramie Chapter. They somehow own the rights to her general appearance, mindset, and name, so if you want to use her as a character, give proper credit and some such stuff as that. Gracey Veer is the eternal sidekick to Cowgirl Josephine. CJ owns her soul and a few other important items that she keeps in a locked box under her bed. If you want to use Gracey Veer, you have to give proper credit to CJ for bringing her up as the fine young lass that she is._

_If you care, you can visit CJ's happy home on the internet here:_

[http://www.uwyo.edu/mascot.htm][1]

_As for Sailor Moon and other anime characters appearing in this story...all rights reserved to their proper owners. This is a work of fan-fiction. No intent to make or garner profits from this work will be made...etc..etc..._

**Now, the story:**

**CJ SAYS! Insane Sidestory**

**Chapter 1: The Bitter Sweat Taste of Tears and Toast**

[CJ is hanging out on the outskirts of Laramie, Wyoming (we still haven't figured out why)]

A tumbleweed rolls by. 

CJ's cow ears twitch. "You know what, Gracey, I'm bored."

Gracey waves a wrench in CJ's direction. "Well then, help me work on the ship."

"The ship is fine."

Gracey appears a bit flabberghasted. "CJ, the ship is falling apart. Look at our hyper-dynamic trans-dimensional warp core! It's dragging on the ground."

CJ looks up. "Eh!? So it is. I guess we can get some duct tape to fix that..."

"Duct tape!?"

"I once read that duct tape is the most powerful force in the galaxy. If it can't fix the hyper-dyn engine, then everything I know about reality is wrong."

"You think?"

"I do from time to time."

"What? Think?"

"Yep, though it pains me to do it, some one has to occasionally be the brains of this outfit."

"Wow, it amazes me when you use that take charge kinda attitude, CJ."

"Thanks. Compliments like that are the reason that I keep you around as my cute but gutsy sidekick, don't you know."

"I'm spunky too!"

"Yep. That you are. So, I guess we should go get some duct tape."

"Sure thing, CJ, want to head into Laramie."

"Laramie? You don't go to Laramie to get duct tape!"

"Then where do you go?"

CJ stands tall, placing her hands on her hips, loudly proclaiming. "Japan! HAHAHAHAHA!!!"

And so our intrepid band prepares to set off for Japan, little knowing the adventures and trials that would await us there.

CJ prepares the ships computers for a short flight to Japan.

Suddenly CJ is sucked into an annoying, randomly generated MUD [Multi-User Domain].

CJ says, "Ah nuts, who's writing this insane story."

The Narrator shrugs.

The Anime Despot cackles.

CJ goes exploring.

E, E, E, E, S, S, E, N

CJ enters the ACLC headquarters. It is a magical placed filled with chibi anime characters milling about, walls covered in wall scrolls and shelves full of LDs, VHS, and DVDs of anime.

Standing in the room are:

Mink, Justy Ueki Tylor, Van Fanel, Hino Rei, The Doctor

CJ looks at The Doctor.

The Doctor is a terrifying figure that seems to radiate true evil from the very depths of his soul. CJ suddenly realizes that The Doctor is the President of FCAC. His abilities are nearly god-like.

CJ considers The Doctor.

Maybe CJ should find something better to challenge in this world. Or does she have a death wish?

The Doctor falls over due to lack of sleep. The Doctor is snoring loudly.

CJ looks at Hino Rei.

Hino Rei is a young, beautiful school girl with long dark tresses. She is in training to take over her grandfather's temple. She is dressed in a simple school girl uniform and appears unarmed.

CJ considers Hino Rei.

She will be a minor challenge to CJ's abilities.

CJ SHOUTS: "AHHA!!! Stupid temple-girl Rae-chan!!! You're ultra-school-girl powers are nothin' compared to my current bad mood!"

CJ attacks Hino Rei.

Hino Rei says, "You wanna fight, huh? You choose the wrong girl to mess with, CJ! MAAAGIC MAAAAAKE-UUUUUUUP!"

Hino Rei enters her unedited stock animation transformation sequence.

Justy Tylor oogles the unedited footage.

Mink breathes flames and incinerates Tylor!!! "Eechi!!!"

Van Fanel says, "An angry heart agitates the dragons..."

Hino Rei transforms into Sailor Mars.

CJ scratches her head..."Hino Rae is Sailor Mars? Who'da figured?"

"That's why it's a secret identity you coweared twit! Now you die!!! Maaaaaaaars Fire IGNITE!!!!"

CJ roast marshmallows and makes smores...

::TASTY::

Justy Tylor is incinerated once more. "AH! Why does this keep happening to me!"

Justy Tylor is defeated! CJ and Sailor Mars pump their arms and hum the victory tune to FFVI.

CJ and Sailor Mars gain 43 exp. and 2 gil Sailor Mars gains a level!

Sailor Mars is now level 14!

CJ finds a Soyokaze chromium trading card!

"Ah, that was fun..." Sailor Mars chortles.

CJ nods.

CJ says, "Sure thing...I'm all tuckered out now. See you later."

Justy tylor's charred body twitches.

The Doctor is snoring loudly.

Gracey's voice brings CJ back to reality.

"Hey, CJ, we're in Japan, where should I land."

"Huh? What? Oh, how about in that rice field beside that rustic Japanese fishing village?"

"Okee."

Gracey carefully pilots their ship to a three point landing in the field.

"Cloaking shield on! Ha, now no one can see our ship!"

"Good work, Gracey. Now, let's go buy some duct tape from that rustic Japanese fishing village."

"But aren't rustic Japanese fishing villages always overrun by the undead and other horrid supernatural monsters?"

"Your right. I guess we'll just have to walk to the closest city."

"But aren't Japanese cities always attacked by giant alien kaiju, robots, and divine beings?"

"Your right, but we have to buy our duct tape someplace, and I'd prefer to deal with big rubber monsters as opposed to the legions of undead. They're just creepy."

So our intrepid band set off for the closest city, which for the convenience of storytelling happened to be Tokyo.

Gracey stared with her big glittering eyes. "Wow! Tokyo is so big."

"That it is."

"And there's so much neon."

"That there is."

"And there's a giant rubber suited kaiju attacking those people over there."

The kaiju ignores the two girls as it runs past them, destroying street signs, and random bystanders at will. CJ scratches her head, wondering why the monster looks like it was made out of an iMac.

"Hmm, it sure looks like a kaiju. But it certainly looks weird, doesn't it? I mean, it looks like it was made from an iMac."

"An iMac?! This is serious CJ, we have to do something!"

With a hand on her hip, and another outstretched as she points toward the kaiju, CJ strikes a tremendous pose as she shouts, "Right! To action!"

"Okay!"

The iMac kaiju suddenly seems to notice that it is being challenged, and turns to confront the two girls.

"Gwaaa! And who are you two? Gwaaa!"

"Just two American tourists looking for duct tape," CJ says winking, but she quickly sheds her joking exterior and clenches her fist. "But it looks like we're takin' in a fight now, too."

"You would dare challenge me?"

"You bet we would," Gracey says, suddenly wielding a large bore .50 caliber BMG sniper rifle replete with a Leopold 9-powered scope, compressed rubber-mounted shoulder stock and unfolding forward tripod. "Can I blast her now?"

"AH! What are you doing, Gracey? Don't you know that when you fight kaiju you can't use your Ultimate Death Wielding Weapon first. You have to fight it using regular arms and tactics first, place yourself into a dire situation, and then use it."

"Why would you do that?"

CJ puts a finger on her chin. "Ponder. You know, it doesn't make sense. Okay, blast it."

Gracey grins, as she takes aim.

The iMac kaiju looks terrified. "Hey, what are you ---"

The iMac kaiju's question is drowned out by the explosive report of Gracey's big ol' gun.

"Gwaaaa! I've been defeated!!! Lord ---"

Before the iMac kaiju can utter the name of it's lord and master with it's final dieing breath Gracey fires again, knocking herself backwards as her rifle kicked hard into her shoulder.

The Kaiju explodes in a fireball that quickly reduces down into a glittering cloud of light.

"Ha! We did it! Good job, Gracey!"

"Thanks. High five!"

However, before the two girls can celebrate, they are interrupted by a voice that sounds oddly familiar to them.

"What have you two done!?"

CJ smacks her forehead. "Good God, Sailor Scouts!"

"Ahhhh! Look CJ, it's Sailor Mercury!"

CJ looks from Sailor Mercury back to her sidekick. "My god, you two really do look alike!"

Sailor Moon points at our intrepid duo. "Hey, can you two tell me what you you are doing?"

"Looking for duct tape and fighting the good fight against the forces of evil in the universe."

"Do you realize that you may have doomed us all?" Sailor Venus says.

Both Gracey and CJ have confused looks overcome their faces. "Huh?"

Sailor Mercury steps forward. "I think I can explain. You see, a thousand years from now, an evil force will be reborn beneath Neo Crystal Tokyo, but it will be defeated by the forces of light. However, in order to make certain that the evil is fully reborn, an evil warlord guised as an ordinary high school student traveled back in time in order to find eight crystals of darkness that can be used to weaken the forces of light in the future, so that the evil force can be reborn. Does that make sense?"

"Eh? Okeeeee, I'll say it does if that'll make you happy." CJ had a weary look on her face.

Sailor Jupiter pushes passed Mercury. "Mercury, it's obvious that they don't get it. The only thing that these two idiots appear to understand is brute force. If that's what they want, then I say we give it to them."

"Yeah, we're with you Jupiter!"

CJ's jaw drops. "Has the world gone totally insane?"

Oh no! It looks like CJ and Gracey are going to have to fight the Sailor Scouts for real! But why are the Sailor Senshi acting so gung-ho for battle? Could there be a sinister force at work?

Find out in the next installment of CJ SAYS! Insane Sidestory

Chapter 2: CJ's Secret Attack! The Big Can of Creamed Corn!

   [1]: http://www.uwyo.edu/anime/mascot.htm



	2. CJ's Secret Attack! The Big Can of Cream...

**Disclaimer (gwaa):**  
_Cowgirl Josephine is the happy-go-lucky mascot of the Anime Club Laramie Chapter. They somehow own the rights to her general appearance, mindset, and name, so if you want to use her as a character, give proper credit and some such stuff as that. Gracey Veer is the eternal sidekick to Cowgirl Josephine. CJ owns her soul and a few other important items that she keeps in a locked box under her bed. If you want to use Gracey Veer, you have to give proper credit to CJ for bringing her up as the fine young lass that she is._

_If you care, you can visit CJ's happy home on the internet here:_

[http://www.uwyo.edu/anime/mascot.htm][1]

_As for Sailor Moon and other anime characters appearing in this story...all rights reserved to their proper owners. This is a work of fan-fiction. No intent to make or garner profits from this work will be made...etc..etc..._

**Secondary disclaimer:**

This story gives even more ridiculous and nonsensical in this chapter.If you dislike mindless action, animal cruelty, or jello, maybe you shouldn't be reading this. 

CJ SAYS: Insane Sidestory

CHAPTER 2: CJ's Secret Attack! The Big Can of Creamed Corn!

The scene when we last left our heroes:

Sailor Jupiter pushes passed Mercury. "Mercury, it's obvious that they don't get it. The only thing that these two idiots appear to understand is brute force. If that's what they want, then I say we give it to them." 

"Yeah, we're with you Jupiter!" 

CJ's jaw drops. "Has the world gone totally insane?" 

Run fer yer life!The Sailor Scouts have gone plum loco and have challenged the mascot of the ACLC to a fight.What's going to happen next?Massive Destruction?City wide Genocide?

Gracey pops up."Actually, Mr. Narrator, sir, it's Tea Time."

CJ checks her watch and nods."Yeppers, it is Tea Time."She points a threatening finger at the scouts."And don't you dare interrupt us!I get cranky if I don't get my tea."

"Biscuit, CJ?"Gracey asks, having suddenly produced a tea set seemingly from thin air.

"Why yes, thank you."

The Sailor Senshi collapse.

After a time, our intrepid duo complete their tea, and after tidying up a bit, CJ puts on her fighting gloves.

CJ enters a three quarter fighting stance."Okee, I'll have you know that I learned my fighting style from none other than Dan Hibiki.Know that after you have been defeated you will also be properly embarrassed by my mocking taunts."

"You tell 'em, CJ!"

The Sailor Senshi seem a bit put off by this overconfident performance on the part of our cow-eared heroine.

Sailor Mercury touched her lip with a finger."Hmm, should we attack in mass, or one on one?"

"I say we attack in mass," Sailor Mars says with an exasperated tone. "After all, we'll all just wind up fighting her one on one anyway.You know it always happens like that."

Sailor Venus nods."Sailor Mars is right.We might as well attack in mass, just to get this over with."

"Okay, I guess we'll attack in mass then."Sailor Moon says."Is everyone ready?"

"You bet."

Sailor Moon strikes a pose."Know this villainous creature.You have besmirched the honor and beauty that is love, and we, the Sailor Scouts, shall eternally be loves true champions.Prepare yourself, for in the name of the Moon we will punish you!"

"Did that monologue make any sense to you Gracey?"

Gracey shakes her head."Not in the least.Give 'em what for, CJ!Hoozah!"

The camera pans around the landscape as the battle loads.

"MERCURY BUBBLES!" CJ is attacked first by Sailor Mercury!

"Ah, the dreaded Mercury Bubbles attack...agh, I can't see anything . . . lost . . . where am I?" CJ walks into a telephone pole and suffers 3000 hit points of damage.

"You're wickedness is what blinds you, Josephine! You cannot defeat a champion of love and justice!!!"

"Wanna bet! Crabby! I choose you!" CJ tosses out her pokeball and Crabby emerges. "CRABBY!!!"

"Crabby, counter her mercury bubbles with your bubble attack!"

"CRABBY!" Crabby attempts his bubble attack but abruptly implodes. Crabby dies! ;*_* "Crabby! You worthless piece of..GRRRRR...Crabby return!"

Crabby's worthless corpse returns to its pokeball.

"Your minions are no match for the power of love! Your villany is at an end, CJ!"

"HA! That was nothing, Sailor Mercury! Now witness my true power!"

CJ throws her pokeball at Sailor Mercury's head.

The Pokeball strikes Sailor Mercury for 6000 hitpoints of damage. Sailor Mercury collapses!

"No, I lost. I didn't train hard enough," she whimpers.

"HOHOHO!" CJ chortles with a hand over her mouth and one on her hip. "Your technique is weak stupid smart girl!"

Sailor Mercury is defeated, and CJ does a victory pose and pumps her arm while humming the Final Fantasy victory music from FFVI!"Score one for our side!"  
"Go get 'em, CJ!" Gracey calls from the sidelines.

Sailor Moon cradles her fallen friend in her arms."Sailor Mercury, hang on."

CJ is confronted by Sailor Mars, Jupiter, and Venus."AAAAH!!!We won't forgive you for what you did to Sailor Mercury!" 

CJ spits on the ground."Two of you, eh?" 

The Sailor Scouts do a quick head count."There's three of us, moron!" 

CJ pauses."Oh, right, three.Sorry."

Three on one! This doesn't seem fair.I mean, come on, it's three on one!!!Sure CJ took down Sailor Mercury fast enough, but what will she do if she has to divide her attention between three opponents?This could get ugly, folks.

"Hey everyone, this is Gracey.The Sailor Scouts look like there up to something, but I'm sure CJ can handle it, right.After all, she's tough as nails, so make certain you check out our next exciting chapter of CJ SAYS: Insane Sidestory.Chapter 3: Baby Seals Taste Like Chicken!"

   [1]: http://www.uwyo.edu/anime/mascot.htm



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